Structure.
That is the one word answer D.J. Silicato gives immediately when asked what is the most important part of being a divorced dad.
“There are too many inconsistencies in their lives,” said the father of three girls ages 8, 10 and 13. “They know what to expect.”
Those expectations include cleaning their rooms, making beds, setting their own alarms and making their lunches for school when they are with him every Monday through Wednesday. Divorced for seven years, Silicato admits he’s made plenty of mistakes, but he hopes he now is a positive role model for his girls.
“My ex-wife and I have found common ground,” said Silicato, who sits with his current wife, his ex-wife and her fiancé as a family at their daughters’ basketball games. “Regardless of how we got there, the children are what’s important.”
Being a father is a challenging endeavor at best; being a divorced father may provide additional obstacles, said Attorney Jeffery M. Leving. “Maintain a good working relationship with former spouses and in-laws in every way that’s possible.” says Mike Weening a long time Fathers rights advocate. “You catch more flies with honey than a fly swatter!”
These are his top 10 tips to be the best divorced dad you can be:
1. Manage feelings of guilt
There are divorced fathers who have insufferable feelings of guilt, believing, wrongly, the failure of the marriage is completely his fault. Consequently, he will punish himself by agreeing to a settlement that is totally biased against him. You cannot imprison yourself from your children because of your guilt.
2. Control your anger
Anger can build a strong wedge between father and child. Some men may project their hostility toward their wife onto their children. Do not do this.
3. Make the most of a restrictive custody agreement
Seize the chances when your ex-wife needs help with the children on certain times. The reality is that opportunities will likely arise for you to spend more time with your kids, no matter what the custody agreement says. Don’t pass these chances up if you can.
Silicato drives his children to school in the morning. He says sometimes they sing and tell jokes; other times he just listens. It’s a time to connect with them. Some men video chat with their children every night.
4. Don’t strike up a romance to get even with wife
Don’t start a new relationship until the divorce is finalized by the court, Leving said. However, if you become romantically involved with someone while your divorce is pending, be discrete. If your wife becomes jealous, it may drag out settlement negotiations to your detriment.
5. Invest in post-divorce relationships
Always be conscious that any person coming into your child’s life will affect them. Hopefully, this new person will bring positivity to your child’s life.
However, if you have serious concerns regarding your ex-wife’s boyfriend, then do research on the Internet about him. If hiring a private investigator is necessary, then do so. The well-being and safety of your child must always be your top concern.
Silicato is remarried, and his new wife and ex-wife are friendly with each other as well.
“We want the girls to know there is still love among the family,” Silicato said.
6. Closely observe your kids
Good divorced dads know that divorce can affect their kids in numerous ways. You must pay attention to what your kids do and say. Do not be in denial that divorce will not impact your kids. It will.
If you notice any behavioral changes, address them. Generally, communicating openly and honestly is what your children crave in these situations. If you need outside professional assistance, then get it.
7. Be mindful that starting new family can trigger emotions
Getting married again or having a second set of kids with another woman may raise issues. The new mother may feel threatened and want you to forgo obligations to your first set of children, but it’s important for everyone to realize that there are legal as well as emotional obligations to the children.
8. Try for joint custody
Leving is a strong advocate for joint custody and passionately believe it is important for divorced dads. Divorced fathers have a good chance at winning joint custody, as long as nothing in the father’s history would cause the judge to be skeptical of the arrangement.
9. Be realistic about child support. It won’t be your only financial obligation.
This misconception is common. Your final court order may not anticipate expenses that materialize, like braces or summer camp. If you can afford these expenses, then do not deny them.
10. Petition to pay a fair amount
Many of the fathers who cannot pay child support are coping with unforeseen circumstances. These dads are not “deadbeats,” they are dead broke, Leving said. Petition the court to seek lower child support payments when financial circumstances change.
Don’t lose hope, ever. Your children are worth the fight, Leving said.
“I don’t want my girls growing up with ‘Daddy issues,’ ” Castillo said. “I need to be the man they need.”
4 more tips from dads who’ve been there
1. You’re not a part-time dad. Even fathers who live with their children every day don’t see them all day because of work, school and social obligations. Make an effort to find regular, responsible time with your children.
2. Children aren’t visitors; they live with you. Even if it’s only every other weekend, it’s important to realize every moment doesn’t have to be amusement-park exciting. Enjoy down time, just sitting around the house or watching a movie together. D.J. Silicato is an expert at painting his girls’ nails — designs and all.
3. You are a father, not a playmate. Silicato’s girls have chores. He also banned electronics from the dinner table, where they talk while eating. Teaching manners is also a key part of interacting at the Silicato household.
4. You will make a mistake. It’s part of parenting under the best of circumstances. Admit mistakes to children and ex-spouses when possible. Learn from them and move on. Dealing with the struggles and animosity that come up have made Silicato and his ex-wife better people, he thinks.