Parental Alienation Syndrome has been a problem in divorced families for years. However, only as recently as 1992 has it been specifically named and “90’s” terminology attributed to this syndrome. It had previously been known as “brainwashing”. Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS as it is now commonly referred to is, but not limited to, the making of disparaging remarks to the children by one parent about the other that causes the children to dislike the other parent. It can also be the unreasonable actions of a parent that would cause the children to dislike or be fearful of the other parent. If proven the court can change the party’s current custody and visitation agreement and award custody to the other parent.
To learn more about how to win a difficult custody case read a free article I wrote on this subject: http://www.fathersrightsinc.com/htwyfrcc.htm
The problem here is not just determining if such alienation has occurred but more importantly to what extent it alienated the children from the affections of the other parent.
Brainwashing children: The four levels of abuse
The Four Levels of Brainwashing Children
Brainwashing children to despise a parent falls into one of four categories of severity:
- Glancing insult
- Direct attack
- Relationship assault
- Relationship-ending coaching
Glancing insult
The glancing insult, also called a “drive-by put down,” is a derogatory remark said to the child about a parent. These are off-the-cuff remarks whose purpose is to instill doubt and negative opinions about the target parent.
Examples include:
“She’s picking you up at 6pm, if she’s even on time”
“So your father didn’t seem to care much about what you thought, huh…”
“You know I love you more than anyone else in the world does, don’t you?”
Direct attack
A direct attack is a slew of words plainly at plainly disparaging you, and thus your relationship to your child.
Examples:
“Your father is an inconsiderate jerk”
“If your mother wasn’t such a messed up soul, your time with her would be much more fun”
“Your mother is a terrible mother, that’s for sure. I can’t believe she did that—what a moron”
Relationship attack
When the source parent tries to harm the parent-child relationship by attacking visitations, minimizing telephone and email contact, and insinuating that time spent with the target parent is bad for the child.
Examples of what such parents will do:
Being “unavailable” all week to receive phone calls from the target parent to the child
Not returning any calls, texts, or emails made by the target parent
Telling the child, “You have complete family here with me and your Dad (step-father), yet he’s again ripping you away from us this Christmas”
Telling the child, “You only have 5 days left with her, then you’ll be back and safe with us.”
Withholding letter, postcards, and emails from the child
Relationship-ending coaching
The most deplorable thing a parent can do to their child is the final step, coaching the child on how to completely break off contact with their own parent.
Some of the things the source parent will teach the child include:
- That once the child is 18, he/she no longer has to be in contact with the target parent anymore, and is encouraged to do just that
- That once the child is 18, if a boy he can change his last name to something different like his step-father’s last name
- That once the child is 12, he/she can go in front of a Judge and state how awful the target parent is, and of the desire to move in with the source parent and not be with the targeted parent at all anymore. Wrap-up: Take the high road You’ll sometimes feel overwhelmed at correcting the brainwashing being inflicted upon your child. A brainwashed child will act in truly heart-wrenching manners, and you’ll often not even recognize him or her anymore.
But hang in there. Read this blog, discuss with other loved ones your frustration, and read the book “Divorce Poison,” take your complaint in front of the Judge in your case, and you and your relationship will be rewarded one day for your refusal to take part in counter-attacking the other parent.
Be a loving parent! Don’t discuss the other parent in a negative light—EVER—and take the high ground. Lastly, find a good child therapist who does “play therapy” with children, and you’ll be doing the right things to slowly undo the damage done to your child’s mind.
The truth is, the ending of a relationship involving children, whether married or not, will result in statements and actions by parents that can and do alienate children from the other parent. To a certain degree this is routine. However, when any parent continually performs certain acts or makes certain statements about the other parent, intentional or not, that would adversely affect the attitude and feelings of the children towards the other parent, this is wrong and needs to be stopped! In my opinion the courts, upon a finding that Parental Alienation exist must impose strong legal consequences on the offending party.
In most cases a court appointed psychiatrist (who is specifically trained in child custody evaluations), pursuant to a custody and visitation evaluation order, must determine the existence of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The Psychiatrist will make a determination and report his findings to the court if such alienation is found present during the evaluation process and to what extent it has affected the party’s children. Additionally, Parental Alienation Syndrome requires both a psychiatric diagnosis and a legal finding. The psychiatrist will first determine the existence (or non-existence) of this syndrome and then his finding will be submitted to the court. It will then be up to the Judge to determine what affect such diagnosis should have upon the pending custody determination.
(Click on the following links to find more information on Parental Alienation Syndrome: Parental Alienation Syndrome
WARNING, WARNING, WARNING
Some words of caution about Parental Alienation Syndrome: Before deciding to file a court action based on your belief that your ex is alienating your children from your affections consider the following:
When Parental Alienation Syndrome was first acknowledged as an actual psychiatric diagnosis in the early 90’s, it was praised by the entire medical, psychiatric and legal community. “Brainwashing” finally had become a formal diagnosis with a name, Parental Alienation Syndrome. After formally being identified and named, numerous book and magazine articles were written by psychiatrist, marriage and family counselors, and psychologist, religious and legal professionals extolling the virtues of this formal diagnosis. Additionally, there are literally hundreds of Internet sites that also provide information on this subject.
But not only were the psychiatric, religious and legal communities excited about this new syndrome, divorcing parents found “new ammunition” for resolving child custody issues. Parents believing they had been the victims of this syndrome flocked to the courthouse and filed court actions by the thousands each one claiming that the other parent had alienated them from the affections of their children. Judges, (most will admit to not being experts in matters concerning children) welcomed this newfound diagnosis with open arms and began ordering custody and visitation evaluations by the thousands.
However, times change! People change! In the 25 years or so since Parental Alienation Syndrome was first diagnosed and formally recognized and named, a growing number of psychiatrist, psychologist, marriage and family counselors, religious and legal professionals have now become severely divided on the issue. Consistent with this progressive opposition, Judges have also become divided. Many are not as quick to order custody and visitation evaluations solely based on an allegation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Most judges simply refer to such issues as “high conflict divorce issues” and would rather that such matters of this nature be simply resolved in mediation and/or family counseling.
Therefore, before you take legal steps to resolve parental alienation problems consider the forgoing. Custody and visitation evaluations are very expensive and may not result in favorable orders or changes to existing custody/visitation orders. And as with any family law issue, make every attempt to resolve these issues out of court. Notwithstanding, PAS occurs in nearly EVERY divorce however, it is still very hard to prove and to what extent a parent, alienated a child from the other parent is a VERY subjective decision to the Judge. Even after an expensive custody evaluation and subsequent recommendation by the evaluator the court often will not change the current orders solely based on PAS. Here is another link that might be valuable:
http://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html
If you are facing significant alienation issues for which you would like to explore your legal options please check out our website at www.fathersrightsinc.com we have lots’ of free information for Fathers and their supporters. Also, be sure and read about our Advocate Plans. They are very helpful!